Your Worth
What does it cost to figure your worth? And, in what, or really in who, do you find your worth?
These questions send me into deep thought and reminiscence. I am finally in this place where every fiber of my being knows the answers, and I feel confident about who I am and what I am worth. Of course, the road to get here was full of conflicting narratives, but now only one voice gets to ring true…
Until about 2 years ago, I found my value in the guys I dated, or the guys that thought I was interesting enough, or pretty enough, to talk to for a few months. I invested so much into those relationships. Giving all I had before they even showed me they would give back and make me feel as valued as I made them feel. And when things ended, I based my worth on that failed outcome. Another relationship that didn’t go anywhere and didn’t bring me anything except heartache and tears. Another relationship that seemed to set me back even further into the lies I was telling myself.
What was I doing wrong? Was I incapable of being loved? Was I not enough to deserve love?
Now, some of this insecurity stemmed from Greg taking his life and me seeing that as direct correlation to my worth, instead of seeing it as his own internal battle. But none the less, this new insecurity rooted deep in my heart and mind. A tape set on loop in my head saying, “You are too broken to be loved. You are not enough.”
That audio would come in as a whisper, and then by the end of another relationship, it would be screaming in my ear again. Leaning in as though it was circling me and laughing at my inability to hold onto someone. Taunting my past, present, and future.
Have you ever felt that way? Like your insecurities are surrounding you, blocking any truth from getting through? It is heavy. It is damaging. And, it starts to effect other areas of your life. Now it’s not just relationships, but you start to base your worth on success in your job, or how attractive you are based on society’s standards.
All my friends and family would tell me how much of a light I was, yet I never actually believed them because that tape kept drowning out the truth in their words. They saw light and I saw ash. The fires set by my past, consuming all the beauty I brought to relationships in my life.
What a suffocating place to find yourself in.
So, I stopped dating and decided that I was over it. I started convincing people I was “at peace” if God called me to be single for the rest of my life… In reality, I was not okay with that in the slightest. That was not the true desire of my heart, but I was tired of feeling unlovable. Why let something destroy me when I can beat heartbreak to the punch and get rid of the opportunities for it all together? What I didn’t foresee were the ways in which that would damage myself even further, add more fuel to the fire. Another lie to set my thoughts ablaze.
I was betraying the person that God had so intricately worked on and intimately created. I was turning my back on the picture that He beautifully wove together with my character and gifts at the center. My precious gift of making and nurturing relationships became null and void.
One day, out of nowhere on a Sunday morning walk, a voice broke through that never ending lie of not being enough. A voice that told me my worth was found in the one that created me. Followed by this bible verse:
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. – Psalms 139:14
At this, I stopped dead in my tracks, tears welling up in my eyes knowing that those words were no mere coincidence. It was in that moment that I remembered I was created in His image. That I am fearfully and wonderfully made. That I am a daughter of the King. That my value, my worth, is found in Him, and in Him alone.
I started to combat the lies I was telling myself with scripture, with what my creator says is true. I started to grow from the ashes of my past with the steadfast word of God. Slowly beginning the process of unraveling the scornful narratives and rebuilding my faith on what He says about me. You’ll still find sticky notes with bible verses placed around my apartment to remind me daily that we are his workmanship and created for good deeds (Ephesians 2:10).
Without fail, those little reminders walk me back from the edge of pain when I base my value on falsehoods. Humbling me and bringing me back to reality instead of someone else’s perception of me, or more often, my skewed perception of myself.
Breaking down all these internal dialogues playing in your mind about who everyone else says you are takes some serious self-reflection. And in the end, the only one that gets to have a say is our Lord and savior.
He created you, therefore your worth is found in Him. Your worth is in who He says you are. And it is so freeing when you finally know that with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.
I pray that you find that peace and truth He offers.
Confidently,
Katey
