Praying for Him

Tomorrow would’ve been Greg’s birthday. My mind can’t seem to move off that truth tonight.

At first, when I felt called to write where I am in life right now, the words didn’t come, just a steady stream of tears rolling down my cheeks. That realization that another year passes without more memories being made with him, without a partner to do things with, to share life and love with.

I want to sit here, sit here and remember. But I know this topic hits close to home with many, and, I know all too well what it will do to me to sink into my sorrow, so I talk to God instead. I start by praying for Greg and his soul. I pray for his family and little girl. And then, I get a little angry and my mind shifts, from loss, to loneliness. I sit here in silence again, figuring out what to say to God next. How to speak what is on my heart, even though he already knows what is on my heart and where my mind is. I speak them anyways because so many people feel similarly and bottle the pain up.

When I finally start again the words fall out so quickly I barely take a breath. Thinking that in speaking them fast enough, He won’t be annoyed with once again talking about my desire for a partner.

I tell God how disappointed I am that such a good thing is gone, that I am still alone. That I still grieve so heavily for the loss. That although I love what the past handful of years have brought in personal growth, I also don’t want to always be braving it. That I know His timing is divine and perfect, that I don’t see the whole puzzle. I tell him I don’t want to always go to weddings single, I don’t always want to take myself on dates. I don’t always want to watch movies alone. I don’t always want to travel solo.

He knows I love those things and that I love my family and friends too. He knows how blessed I feel daily to have the people in my life He has surrounded me with. That I cherish every moment and memory with them. He also knows I adore my alone time, my independence, and my self-made schedule. The ability to say no and to only really be responsible for myself right now.

And yet, amongst that beauty and awe for where I am and who I am, I still long for what I don’t yet have. The ‘where I am going’ and ‘who I am I going there with’ is the fuzziest puzzle piece.

So, instead of continuing down that path of “missing someone” (in multiple forms), I start to pray for him. Him being my future husband. I don’t remember where I learned to pray this way, probably TikTok… But all the same, it helps shift my mindset from negative, to grateful for the future God is working on. Because I know that even if I think I am ready, my future husband my not be, or maybe there’s things God wants me to see, learn, and experience first.

So here it goes…

God, thank you for my future husband.

Thank you for a relationship that is divinely made. For a man in all sense of which you intended a man to be, in which you intended a partner and husband to be.

Thank you for his relationship with you. For his leadership in our relationship and his foundation in faith.

Thank you for what I had to go through to be ready for him and our relationship. And, thank you for what he had to go through to be ready for me and our relationship.

Thank you for being a true team. Someone we each would go to war with because life is hard, and Satan is always at work.

Thank you for a husband that is emotionally intelligent and does not hurt me mentally, emotionally, or physically.

Thank you for how we communicate and listen to understand.

Thank you for truly seeing each other and feeling seen.

Thank you for shared morals and values.

Thank you for the way we make each other laugh, and the ability to hold each other when life is heavy.

Thank you for both of us putting in the effort to make the other feel wanted, loved, adored, and understood.

Thank you for the care and consideration we have for each other during heated discussions and disagreements.

Thank you for a relationship where we keep the romance alive and seek experiences together. For the memories we will make, both with photo evidence and with only hearts and minds to remember them.

Thank you for each other’s goals and dreams becoming our own. Always a team, always toward you, always toward building a full life. Each other’s cheerleaders through and through.

Thank you for our family, whatever that looks like, and teaching them about you. That you are good and faithful, no matter what is going on in our lives. That you create, provide and protect.

Thank you for us showing the kind of creator you are to others through our words and actions. For showing who you are to people who are lost, hurting, tired, and beaten down. Because we know how broken we are and how we would not be here if it weren’t for you and someone showing us your love.

Thank you for being our foundation, our shepherd, and our Father.

Thank you.

Thank you.

In Jesus name, Amen.

While praying in a thankful tone with appreciation of what will come, the tears fade, and a small smile plays on my lips. I don’t have to explain my heart to Him. He knows I am hurting from loss and the longing for my partner, so I will continue to pray in abundance even when I am not okay.

See, one of the biggest lessons I have learned from losing Greg is that it's okay to not be okay, but you can’t let your pain and anger twist your faith. God is good even when our vision is clouded from hurt, even when we are confused and upset with the present.

The sun always comes up tomorrow.

So future husband, wherever you are, I pray for you. And, I look forward to the day we finally meet.

Yours truly,

Katey