Is This Actually Going to Make Me Happy?
*Disclaimer: Microsoft thinks that some of the language I use in this post is offensive (not kidding). So, read at your own risk because “fuck” is my favorite word.
A couple weeks ago a dear friend of mine asked me the following question: “In 10 years if you looked at your life and were truly happy, what would that happiness look like?” At the age of 22, I could have given a crystal clear answer to that question. If you know me well, you know why that is… I have a One Page Personal Plan looking out to the age of 38, that breaks down my life goals by that age. It looks at the categories of relationships, achievements, rituals, and wealth. And it was first created when I was the ripe age of 22. For three years, I kept it updated. I would set aside a few hours quarterly, create goals for the next three months, which would get me closer to my one-year goals, and in the grand scheme of things, get me closer to the goals I had for 2033. To the people reading this that are in their 30s, 40s, 50s, etc., can you imagine writing out a detailed life plan at that age and holding yourself to it? Because I sure as shit did. That plan was my damn life raft, my end all be all. I may not have hit all my goals for the quarter, or year, but I got fucking close.
Isn’t it interesting how much life can change in almost 4 years though? How much you get to know yourself and figure yourself out. How much what you want for your life shifts, or you straight up have no clue what you want anymore.
Like many others, I didn’t particularly enjoy that feeling when it came to my plan. That feeling of being out of control of my life. That feeling of having no compass to show what direction to go next.
Sometimes, I would try and cram things in to fit it. Like fitting circular blocks into triangular holes.
Love interests that didn’t want the life I wanted… I can make them want that life.
New job opportunities that felt “off” from the beginning but “looked right”… Yeah, ignore that feeling, the company culture is great. *insert sarcastic head nod & eye roll*
Other times, I would be so black and white about the goals on my plan. Like everything would come crashing down around me if I didn’t complete them or do it “right”.
Didn’t hit a quarterly goal… Fuck, you failure.
Didn’t close all three rings on my Apple Watch… Better start pacing around the house until you get there.
I was so closed off to the beauty of life. Not stopping to smell the roses per say. Yes, I wanted to “live my life to the fullest” but what I was really doing was the opposite of that. I started to overlook the beauty in the everyday journey because I was so focused on that picture perfect life way off in the distance.
Don’t get me wrong, goals are a must in life. If you don’t have goals, if you don’t have conviction in the pursuit of your goals, you’ll watch life pass you by, probably without a feeling of fulfilment and purpose. The same can be same for the opposite though. Which was what I was doing. I was so focused on the life I wanted at 38 that I didn’t really love my life from the age of 22 to 25. I can hear y’all now… “But Katey, if you were working towards your goals, you should be feeling fulfilled knowing you are doing the work to get you there?” Not if I was just living for the moments that went according to plan. Not if I tried to control everything around me. Not if they were the wrong goals…
So, when my friend asked me this question, I got an overwhelming emotion of anxiety. First, it was anxiety about the fact that I hadn’t updated my Personal Plan in about a year. God forbid I only tracked smaller goals in my bullet journal. Then the emotion turned into anxiety that what was on my plan may not be where I see my life going anymore. That those goals may not bring me happiness like I thought they would.
Whew, I was thinking about it non-stop for the next two weeks. Shit, I still am ruminating on this question. I even pulled up the last version of my One Page Personal Plan, read the first section on relationships, got frustrated with myself, and closed my laptop. I realized that a lot of the things on my plan were there because I knew they would make other people happy. I knew people would admire my life if it looked like that. I knew everyone in my life would love that I could balance my plate perfectly to keep them happy and myself happy. My pride was getting in the way of everything, and I didn’t even realize it. It ran me down. I had nothing left to give because I was exhausted from running after goals that didn’t even fill my soul.
Yes, it is of the utmost importance to be a good friend, a good daughter/son, a good girlfriend/boyfriend, a good wife/husband, a good boss. If you give everything to everyone else and don’t do anything for you though, how long can you keep that up? How long can you plan your life around goals that are for other people? You’ll run yourself absolutely ragged that way. You’ll miss out on what God called YOU to do, what God called you to be. In turn, you’ll be so miserable you won’t be a good anything. You’ll turn into a shitty friend, a shitty daughter/son, a shitty girlfriend/boyfriend, a shitty wife/husband, a shitty boss. You won’t feel fulfilled and you’ll either take it out on those around you or lose yourself completely. Or both. You can’t be everything for everyone AND be enough for yourself. Thank God we have God to lean on, but you still have to take the action to get out of that cycle. Take time for yourself and do things that make YOU happy. Set goals that you feel passionate about and overflow your cup. Isn’t that what people are calling “self-love” now?! You doing those things, shooting for goals, that in turn create a light around you, shining unto others. Self-love in the sincerest form, is happiness.
This is exactly what I have been working on this past year, self-love. Doing excruciatingly intrusive work on myself and figuring out who I am, what I want, and what fills my cup. And, falling in love with that person, those wants, and those activities.
I felt overwhelmed with that question because, for what is probably the first time in my adult life, I don’t have a plan for every aspect of my existence. I am reevaluating what goals will make me happy now, what goals I think will make me happy at the age of 38, and what goals will make me truly proud at the age of 88. I am figuring out what goals will create that light within me due to smelling the roses and pursuing things that make me happy. Things that make me so damn happy that I am a better person because I have real purpose behind my actions and decisions.
So, here I go. Plunging headfirst into a “new” plan. One that isn’t rigid but is open to unknown opportunities. Ready for what God brings to me. And, ready to be overflowing with purposeful action.
It is okay to reassess. It is okay come up for air and make sure what you are aiming for is really going to make you happy, make you a better person because you are so in love with the life around you. It is okay to not know where the hell that is yet. It is okay to be lost or just starting to form the idea of what that looks like in your head. It is okay to be scared about where you are currently and where you’ll end up if you continue down this path. It’s not okay to sit in it though. It is not okay to play the victim in your own life. It is not okay to take a back seat in your own life. So what better time then the present to begin the exploration into what will make you happy? I can tell you that the process to figure it out has already been well worth the tears and hard truths, and I’m just starting out.
It’s likely always a work in progress, shifting based on new people and puzzle pieces. But, I promise when you start that journey, when you start to figure it out, the weight of anxiety will start to lift and be replaced with glimpses of peace.
After all, we are all walking each other home, don’t you want to feel joy while getting there?
Confidently,
Katey
P.S. – If you are curious about the setup of my One Page Personal Plan, the last edited version is viewable below. And when I said every aspect of my life was thought through, I meant it…
P.P.S. – If you are curious what my plan looks like after getting asked that question, I will post it when I get the first version created! The layout will be the same, the goals will just be adjusted :).
